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The Most Important Thing In Life

In the midst of a week and half stretch that saw me get a $230 ticket for driving the wrong way down an alley (actually), spend upwards of three hours on the phone with customer service award of the year recipients: Bell, and work till midnight the night that my sister and her brand new baby fly into town four the first of four days, I've come to realize the importance of those things in life that rise above all the rest.

Shopping Statistics

I'm not big into all the advanced stats that I read about everywhere, but I find myself calculating the amount of time and money I spent correlated with the size of the intended recipient of the gift that this time and money purchased. I've discovered that the more time you spend in the store added to the amount of dollars handed over, divided by the wieght in lbs of the recipient is oppositely proportional to the importance of the thing in your life. Example, if I spent 5 bucks and ten minutes buying something for Sheldon Souray, that means it's not very important. Conversely, if I spend an hour and buy something for $35 for baby Dyllin, who weighs approximately 2 grams, that means that in the grand scheme of life it's a pretty important thing.

As I stepped into my neighbourhood coffee and craft store today I was instantly reminded that the gifts and coffee I would find today would be friggin expensive. Everything in there is hand-made, thus the demnad for top-dollar. I understand this, and already I was feeling good about my decision to buy local. I saw a large serving bowl, light beech coloured, wide, shiny, extremely beautiful and basically taken right off my sister's christmas list. What? $325.00. Holy eff. No problem, I'm here for the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE.

In addition to me wanting to buy local, hand-made gifts from atop my high-horse, I selected this store because a few weeks prior I noticed some really cool stuffed animal things. The lady that owns the store creates one-of-a-kind, um, again, stuffed animal things that are weird looking. My neice was weird looking up until a couple months ago because she was born 8 months premature, so I figured I was on the right track. There were fish made of mittens, triangle-men with two different buttons for eyes, turtles with circles of fabric as the pattern on their shells, and other wacky characters that were all unique. A large duck-looking creature with dangly arms and thoughtful eyes jumped out at me after a long search. No, he didn't seriously jump out at me! Though I wish he had! No, this little guy was perched all alone on his shelf, just waiting for a thoughful handsome shopper like me to swoop in and post bail.

I'm set, I thought. He's very soft, but he's not super cute by any stretch of the imagination. He's unique, and I think of my niece, so far away for 360 days of the year, holding him close with her useless little arms on cold dark nights. Maybe she'll have a secret name for him (maybe my name! Can you imagine?!), and she'll take him everywhere she goes. He might not look like a typical companion for the smallest child ever made, but he's got style.

Sometimes we shouldn't worry about looking the part, or being fancy, or projecting the image that we think everyone wants from us. Sometimes we should just be who we are and let the chips fall where they may. We'll get rewarded eventually, even if we're goofy looking, or our phone company is an idiot or we haven't scored in eleven games or our arms are useless. Sometimes even though we have to work late, our tiny nieces will roll into town, chase away the weather itself and bring some peace and quiet to our weary minds.

Part 1: Ten Obscure Things I Love About Hockey

The goals! The intensity! Eff that, they've all been done. Here's part one of obscure things that dominate brain far more than they should.

1. Gloves
Someone with a solid set of gloves that fits their hands perfectly just seems to scream ‘dangle’ to me. You can tell that a dude can handle the puck when he or she has a solid grip on their stick (!) and looks more like they’re handling a pool cue (Ales Hemsky) as opposed to a two-by-four (Jason Strudwick).
This obviously should have a lot to do with just having the proper size of mitts, so then why do some players look like they’re wielding the wood (!!) for the first time in their lives? Derian Hatcher comes to mind. Even The gloves with the big long cuffs a la Wayne Gretzky and Ryan Smyth seem to be tight and suited to the player. Gloves go a long way toward the notion of ‘look good, feel good, play good’, a notion that I’ve only ever mastered the former two thirds of.
Fabric, not leather. Leather wrecks cows, don’t you know that? Hockey likes cows, stay away from the leather. Fabric is where it’s at, leather gloves make me feel like Bobby Dollas. Cory Cross was a sweet guy, but I bet he wore leather gloves. Think about it.

2. Visors
My friend and ex-roommate T-Day used to go off about guys that still insisted on rocking the worst, ugliest, obviously most useless and visually obstructing visors ever. While he might not have cleaned up after his girlfriend enough, he was bang-on about the visor thing. Newer Itech and Oakley straight viseys that are straight along the bottom are so sharp and pro-fesh, what’s Brian Rafalski thinking?
Wait, on that note, what’s going through the brains of every single Detroit Red Wing? Rafalski, Lidstrom, KIRK MALTBY, why does Detroit insist on wearing relics from Vincent Damphouse’s basement? These things are just awful, get a grip.
Edit: I knew there had to be pre-existing bitching on this.

Honourable mention to Petr Sykora; why is his face always crooked?

3. Shower Pops
A couple guys I’ve played beer league with introduced me to shower beers, and they’re everything you could possibly imagine. Plus they get you loosened up so you don’t care as much that four of you are sharing… wait, nevermind. Let’s just leave it at this: everyone loves to drink something cold while standing in something hot. Holy eff I think I just invented the greatest quote of all time!
The other half of this obscure hockey thing that I love is that shower pops indicate that hockey is over, which has always been a pretty good feeling too, especially when you get older. Not because I don’t like hocky, I really mean that it’s a good feeling when working hard is over, like when you’re done a bag-skate. Coaches always used to tell me that it’d feel great when it’s over, and boy has that ever rang true in a lot of different avenues in life.

4. Hockey Speeches
Pump-up speeches or pre-game chats come in a variety of forms, from uber-exciting ‘great job gang!’ types to dark and foreboding proclamations of a need to string all of the players up by the neck. The best are when the rage shines through. Everyone remembers that time when your half psychotic coach booted the garbage can across the room and all the broken bottles that were in it that your buddy spent a half hour smashing with the knob of his stick in the first intermission sprays all over another guy’s gloves and then cuts the bajeezuz out of his hands the whole third period. That was awesome.
My favorite thing to do is to pick up a stick while you’re giving it to the team and just spin it around in your hands. You’re even more intimidating when it’s broken in half. And you have blood shooting from your ears.

5. New Twigs and Tape Jobs
My favorite thing to do as a player was to chill out with a buddy on game day and watch Rock ‘em Sock ‘em videos and tape our sticks. It was such a process, I know a bunch of guys who could do that ultra fast tape job and be done with it, but I really liked to take my time and get it right. Too bad that’s a lesson I never transferred to real life, snap! Aw, I made myself sad.
I know a guy who used to tell me which way any player I could name shot the puck (right vs. left) and I would counter with telling him what kind of skates they all wore. I think this is because I was fast and had zero hands around the net, and the guy I’m referring too had ok wheels but could snipe from anywhere. Interesting, but I think it’s in people’s brains, what kind of players they are.
Anyway, getting a new stick is always a good thing (!!!), I’ve always had the best shot with a brand new stick and a sharp white tape job. Even though I’m not racist. And that garbage about black tape vs. white tape and the goalie being able to see the puck, is that true? I know that different colours of goalie pads don’t affect my ability to shoot straight into the chest or to miss the net by five feet from the top of the crease.

This is what it feels like to run outside and start the Wagon at 9 so I'll be able to drive home at 1 in the morning. Seriously, for a brief period of time we lived in the single most coldest place on the continent. That's ridiculous, Mrs. Nylander was right.

Randomness (Or, I'm bored and I'm trying to get used to writing every other day)

1. Like anyone else, I can't stand it when a referee tries to turn a game into his show. It's extremely obvious, everybody in the crowd can tell, and it's really embarassing to watch. Does swimming have refs? Like, synchronized swimming? I'll bet they do. Being involved in and around Edmonton for a lot of games it's fairly painful when you shake a ref's hand at the beginning of the game and you that the twinkle in his eye is telling you that you're in for a gonger. Seriously, get a new job you idiots, buy an ice cream truck and make sure you've got a lot of room in the back.

2. Recruiting players for a spring hockey team is turning out to lack a lot of the fun and excitement I figured would come along with it. Pretending to be a GM for twelve-year olds should be fun, but it's not. Thank christ I'm not one of these guys that attaches his name to aspiring young players that already have talent. I'm way more excited to see some of the kids I've taught that looked like bambi on the ice grow up and make hockey into a worthwhile pasttime. Past-time? Unlike some of the beer league donkeys I'm watching right now, who should concentrate exclusively on standing up instead of trying to brush another guy's teeth with their sticks.

3. One time I got kicked out of a game because a ref gave me a penalty for asking him to let his buddy (the other zebra) know that drinking only a six-pack before his next game would suffice, he didn't need to down an entire box of champagne. He blew the whistle, I asked him how he liked his sparkiling grape fruit juice, he gave me a penalty, and I told him to make it count, and suggested that he play a quick game of hide-and-go-f*^k yourself. My ten year-old players thought I was instantly way more awesomer, and my mom told me that she'd miss me when I was burning in hell.

6 Hockey Tips: Passing the Rondelle (French)

We all want to pass the puck like Doug, but I used a picture of Mr. Dangles yesterday, so in honour of his recent hot streak (that I knew would happen, because he's just a killer to watch): today we all want to pass like Lubo.
6 Hockey Tips:
How to Pass the Puck

1. Square to the Target:
I’m not a fan of teaching kids to turn away from their target and sweep the puck across the front of their body. Use stationary passing to encourage square shoulders facing the direction of the intended target.

2. Independant Upper Body: We should be teaching young players to pass using their arms without moving their feet or transferring weight. Save the weight transfer for shoot learnin’. Keep your little guy or gal’s hands off of their hips, so they use their arms independent of their legs. Like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance, whose limbs flail about as if independent from his body.

3. Hard Passes: Pass the puck hard. Get it? Preach this early and often, it’s just as important for the passer as it is for the receiver to get used to receiving hard passes. Some great verbs I use to enforce this: zippy, snappy, whippy, scrumtrillescanty.

4. Aim at Your Target: Don’t point the toe of your stick at the target, use the entire blade, but mostly the heel as a guide to send the puck straight and true, or strong and free, whichever floats your boat.

5. Have Muscle, Will Travel: (What?) If your young paduwan learner has noodles for arms, let them know that wheelchair basketball is a better option (irony). Seriously, they need to hold their stick like they mean it, and put some sauce behind the pass.

6. Empirical Research: Tell them to watch the Edmonton Oilers for a three game stretch to view all the correct and incorrect ways to pass the puck. Actually, just watch one shift and they’ll get to see every kind of pass imaginable, a couple sui’s, pucks in the feet, and then a rocket laser beam tonight against St. Loius from Lubomir Visnovsky right on the tape. Book it.

Next up: Make mit der shoosting!

I Want to Believe

I want to believe that hockey players are concerned with how the game is going to make them into a better person. I want to believe that parents see the benefit of showing up to practice and games when the coach asks you to. I want to believe that the truly good people in the game will get rewarded for a year of being last in bag-skates as a result of playing above their level because of an organization having one too many teams. People often aren't rewarded for the work they put in thanks to a constantly flawed system no matter where you look, but I want to believe that Craig MacTavish was right when he said that ulitmately the game of hockey will reward you.

I'm starting to get really nervous about some of the kids I've coached and how quickly they're growing up. Some of them have progressed more than they can possibly realize and they're soon going to have to make tough decisions. I hope that they choose to stick with the gruelling schedule of practices, games, spring hockey and all the dry-land training and whatnot, because the ones that I have in my brain right now have a real shot to make hockey into a career.

Peer pressure is going to start to creep in, particularly with female hockey (YOU get involved with female hockey and tell me I'm passing judgement). Other priorities are going to present themselves along with it all, and I just hope that the time they've spent with me will help them to make strong decisions.

How many stories are there about players that had talent that screwed it up? How many players got intimidated or felt they needed to fit in with a certain demographic in order to achieve their goals? I'm tip-toeing on an ugly line here, but it's not my fault that my brain worries about things. Believe me, I've done my part to try to shut my brain up. Nothing could possibl-eye go wrong. Possibl-ee go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.

OH GOD

Hopefully it's alright to worry. I get to watch one of my players try out for an Alberta Winter Games spot this weekend, and I'm excited for her to get away from the shenanigans of our peewee team for a little bit. She's clearly taking that next step, like I've talked about, and again, I'm worried sick about her growing up (even though she's got maturity beyond her years), and I know without qualification that she'll be fine. It's tough to watch young hockey players go through the stress and consternation of this sometimes silly game, but it's clearly got a role to play for all of us who care for its ability to develop people on and off the ice. I'm unbelievably happy to have a part in it at all. Happier than when I started writing this post.

The system works!

Vinny like Winny

I don't get to watch eastern teams play very often, like everybody else, so I'm going to lay out some assumptions regarding Mr. Lecavalier here, then I'll re-visit after the game. Which I now find out that I might not get to watch or listen to because one of my instructors is going to be late.

(I literally started writing this at the exact moment that Vinny raced down the wing and sent a sick feed to St. Louis for a one to nothing lead.)

How is it even a debate that Vincent Lecavalier makes Team canada? He's one of the game's ultimate big game players, reme,ber that move he made against Calgary as he carried the Lightning on his back on the way to the finals? Ok, they had Richards and St. Louis and DAVE ANDREYCHUK, but Lecavalier vs. Iginla and Primeau during the playoffs was one of the sinlge greatest joys of my life.

Story of My Career

The game of hockey has given me everything I have; my career, my joy for coaching and the rewards I receive watching the progression of young student-athletes, and an outlet for me when I just can't or won't deal with life. I lay awake at night unable to sleep like everybody else, but these days I think about players that I coach and I wonder what I can say to help them improve their abilities on the ice, abilities as simple as shooting the puck or understanding defensive zone coverage. I also lay there trying to figure out how I can teach kids to let things go, whether it be dealing with the mistake that leads to a goal, or whatever it might be within their brain that's holding them back from their own development.

I'm pretty sure I have a point here, but in any case, this is my blog, and I can be whatever I want to do.

I'm in a pretty good mood, sitting here at work while the adult league carries on outside the office. What does frustrate me is witnessing grown men leaving the rink far more upset and perturbed than when they arrived. I love playing hockey, but watching guys stand in front of the net take wicked cross-checks to the back because they're trying to play their role on the powerplay makes me never want to play again. I'll go play senior hockey instead, beacsue when the game is over, it's over. What's the point of playing beer league if it's just going to get you all riled up? Shouldn't you be using it as excercise and a chance to get out of your own head and away from your job, your family, and whatever else in your life might be bringing you down?

I'm extremely lucky, and I know it. I have more than one group of young hockey players that adores me in spite of, or more likely because of the fact that I tell them exactly what is holding them back on the ice and off. I put everything I have into the game, and even though anyone that cites this and claims they don't do it for themselves is a total liar, I can safely say that I have no aspiration to ride the natural talent of a kid that I coach. My name will speak for itself, eventually. Not today, but someday. In the meantime, I'll enjoy the game from all the different aspects of it in which I am involved. I'll cherish the relationships I've made with the amazing kids and the solid parents. I won't take for granted the lessons I've learned from the families that cling to the notion that I've purposely tried to ruin their child's chances of a career in the show, for I am what I am because I've been taught to learn from everything, and to worry about the process and not the result.

My grandpa died this weekend. My old man was a half hour late, but it's ok because he got to see him last week. He was actually really my dad's uncle, too, and he had his real sons by his side. I've dealt with it, I've had a couple practices and a tournament to think exclusively about hockey and the roads that my kids are travelling. Hockey is a funny game, sometimes the perfect companion, and sometimes a veritable ball and chain, but at least it's mine, in whatever capacity I might choose.

Pay me to coach hockey, please

I wrote this a few months ago while I was in the midst of my post-university job search. For those of you that are in the know, looking for a job BLOWS. Especially when your only real tangible skill is yelling at kids to make them do what you want. Turns out I'm actually pretty good at that, and thus I did end up finding a job on the ice. Anyway, I wrote this right after I watched the Oilers play the Florida Panthers in a pre-season game, which happens a lot when compared with how many times they play in the regular season.

Himelfarb? More like Himel-Suck!

I went to a hockey game last night where the slogan they were using to attract a crowd was “Watch someone else fight for their job for a change.” At first it seemed really effective, even funny. It was a pre-season game so there were lots of players who were trying to make the cut. But then I thought of how I’ve been trying to get someone to give me money in exchange for my expert services for almost a month, and how for some reason these special services just didn’t seem to match up in the real world once you’re done university, and I wanted to climb out of my seat and throttle the lady beside me wearing a pantsuit. Don’t you know bitch!? Finding a job is hard! Morans.

The job search, however, has given me a lot of clarity, time to think, and what I think is that I have a lot of rage, but it’s probably the best part of me, so let me impart: Finding a job sucks, but I have some very important techniques related to the search. Everyone seems to have brilliant ideas about how to find that special company to climb into bed with, but I have the key. The following tidbits of super-expertism explain how to ensure you WON’T get the job. Here’s 5 sure-fire methods, as tested by me (testing is ongoing):

1. Be unbelievably over-qualified for the position you seek. Employers hate this because they don’t like people to be around that are going to kick total ass at their new jobs. If you’ve got eight years of experience doing something that’s actually harder than what they have planned for you, then who are they going to bitch and moan to when something doesn’t go right? There’s no mirrors in corporate bathrooms.

One time I knew a guy applying for a job that required him to have experience in education and safety (guy was kind of a fem). He had an education degree and worked at a company creating safety manuals, and the job he applied for not only didn't contact him for an interview, they re-posted the job. Haha! What a loser, I'd hate to be that pathetic.

2. Answer every question so fully that there’s no room for a retort. When you know exactly what’s up and you can answer everything with clarity and intelligence then your potential employer will get scared because they don’t smell fear. How will they roll their eyes when all of a sudden you’re staring right into them instead of looking up at their feet from far below the massive pedestal they’re standing on?

3. Wear shorts to the interview.

Ok, it was seriously the hottest day of the year.

4. Refrain from beating up a kid in the parking lot. I was driving to an interview and some kid was walking down the sidewalk with a New York Yankees cap perched high on the top of his head (backwards) ever so carefully (and kind of sidewards) and he had no shirt on and he was strolling along without a care in the world all smug-like and he was holding a coffee. How did this brat afford his double-double when he has nothing better to do at ten in the morning on a Tuesday than strut around mocking degree holders like myself? Did he just come from the youth shelter I’m (s)interviewing at? Wait, did he get the job? Give me your money punk! I am now not above robbing the youth!

But I did refrain, so the point is, to get the job I probably should’ve cracked this guy with my size 7 pancake shoes, then the employers would see my passion for getting ahead in life.

5. Apply for a billion jobs. Companies all have contracts with the government and/or the devil so they all know what you’ve applied for and how many times you’ve recycled your cover letters. If you actually want work then you're better off to just apply to one job that you really want that will make you way more money than you ever have before.

In short, use your rage, do everything wrong, and you’ll probably not end up sweeping floors or driving your boss’ kid to daycare because you think that will impress them enough to say “Decent job, guy.”

So Happy

Like I said, I found a pretty decent gig coaching and running hockey programs, but it sure is funny now to look back at the despair that was my life for a few months. It's all uphill from here, right Himel-Farb? Right.
Himelfarb. Himelfarb.

Go Oilers!

Consistently Inconsistent

I didn't really get to watch the game last night because I was on the ice coaching. Oh wait, I planned the entire practice to take place beneath the goal line in one end because I could watch the TV's in the restaurant that's attached to the rink. "How do I take a wrist shot?" "Simple, Johnny! Just watch Patrick O'Sullivan shoot the puck. Oh wait, no, check out Lubomir Visnovsky instead. Uh, that's no good, maybe let's watch O'Sullivan again. Wow, how about just watch this blind guy on the street trying to push snow out of the way. Yep, better example."

The buzzwords for the last couple of years have been 'consistently inconsistent,' and boy does that ring true this morning. How does one predict what is going to happen with this team on any given night? Who is going step up? Patrick O'Sullivan was given the game's first star by the team's website, but I don't really understand why. Based on my addmittedly weak research base, it looked like O'Sullivan got a lucky goal, and then made a nice move on his second that he should have been making for about 29 games now. Maybe I'm being harsh, but if he fell down on the second like it looked was going to happen then we'd be singing a different tune today.

In any event, last night's tilt seemed like a donkey-esque sort of match. I do like O'Sullivan, I think he's one of the guys that will come around and the team needs to be patient with, unlike Erik Cole and other players of that ilk. I like the fact that Des-Lawyers-eh seems to be getting a little more comfortable, I think he's a better version of Garon, much like Keeanu Reeves in Youngblood was solely trying to one-up legendary Chiefs tender Denis Lemieux. Obviously the Oil are going to be fine if they've got a french Candian goalie. It's been scientifically proven that this is why The Pittsburgh Penguins won the cup last year.

AWFUL PLANNING

Thanks a whole bunch to the CBC for screwing me out of an awesome weekend in Lloydminster. Being on the road with the team and watching the Oilers on Hockey Night in Canada is probably the best thing that I'll ever do in my life, but now, thanks to some awesome planning, we won't see that the rest of the year. It's bad enough that I'll remember the Oilers on the big show this year getting their eyes pumped shut by Vancouver last weekend, but now I have to go rip up and down the waterslides in Luxurious Lloyd instead of kicking back after a hard day of yelling my head off at twelve year olds. I get that Toronto and Montreal drive the revenue and all that mumbo-jumbo horse garbage, but seriously, doesn't the CBC show multiple games anyway? Like, shouldn't there be a choice?

Actually, scratch that, if I was running the show, I would decide the schedule monthly, and the Oilers and Leafs would be gassed so quick that Nikolai Khabibulin wouldn't even have a chance to sweat it out. Haha! He has a water-retaining problem!

How to Create an Awesome Experience for a Brand New Skater: Part 2

3. Make it Fun and Memorable!

Oh wait, adults want to have fun just as much as kids do? Who knew?! No matter who you have on the ice, forget about trying to cram your life’s worth of knowledge into an hour-long session, have some fun! Crack jokes (this is my specialty. For real, my mom even told me), ask them about their life away from the rink, complain about politics, gas prices, homework, or whatever else it takes to make them forget that they’re learning. Next thing you know, you’ve skated half-way across the ice immersed in thought-provoking conversation, and they’ve been skating along beside you the whole time! Sweet, this stuff practically teaches itself!

Lots of other objects and toys teaching aides help out as well when we’re trying to wow our new skaters. During the aforementioned private lesson I tossed a bean-bag back and forth for five minutes while learning (from a five-year-old) how to count to ten in French. The bean-bag really challenged my little guy’s balance, and the French really challenged my brain. And he had no idea he was learning about edges, stance and balanced body position. He also needed to bend his knees to pick up the bean-bag when he dropped it, and I didn’t even have to tell him. Don’t worry though, I chirped his catching skills. Hey, it’s not my fault we don’t have baseball programs in E-town, but for those of you that do: sales opportunity! Man, it feels good to brain-wash people into learning.

4. Save Your Voice.

Talking for an hour straight isn’t my idea of a fun task in a cold rink at 6:30 on a Sunday morning, and it isn’t beneficial for your student either. They’re new to skating; they need to figure things out on their own. A common complaint amongst parents is that instructors don’t spend enough one on one time with their child, and while this is often a valid argument, it’s also important that one’s curiosity become the only teacher from time to time. I wouldn’t wait until little Suzy grows a wicked Movember Moustache between the first time you talk to her and the next, but it is absolutely alright to ask your students to perform tasks and activities on their own. Some examples include: touching all of the red lines on the ice, finding all the objects hidden underneath pylons, or making me a hot sandwich. Whenever I feel the need for a breather I tell my group to touch all four blue lines on the boards and then return to me. Works great, and it reminds me how to count to four. In English.

Like I said earlier, I’ve got a crush on obstacle courses. They take a long time to complete for both adults and wee-sized skaters if you take the time to make them interesting, and they incorporate a wide variety of skills. Examples of possible obstacle course set-ups include skating forwards, skating backwards, gliding on one foot around the pylons, carrying a bean-bag, pushing a puck, relay races and pylon pushes. Be creative, you’ll think of something else as you watch. These activities are fun and they’ll give you some time to observe and evaluate your students as well. Tasks and activities occupy a child’s or adult’s mind for the duration of the exercise, and again, they won’t even realize they’re learning.

5. Know Your Audience.

The final bullet for those of you still reading is the simplest and most important and will take us the furthest from our own comfort zones as instructors. In all seriousness, our company is all about the experience of learning to skate, playing hockey, and refining individual skills and development. Learning more about your audience better equips you to deliver the experience that is applicable to them and their own personal goals and habits. Remember Bullet #3: having fun and being personable with your clients? Of course you do, but at the same time we need to remember that money is being spent on learning, and it’s up to us to find fun and creative ways to encourage the learning process. There comes a time when a student needs to be told exactly what they need to work on if they want to improve their skating, whether they are five or ninety five.

Monumental Conclusion

If we are pushing ourselves to constantly better our techniques and methods even if it means that sometimes we mess up a skill or don’t make any sense…wait, what was the point of that? Oh yeah, learning more as an instructor is directly proportional to your students learning more, and soon they’ll have no choice but to have fun while skating with confidence. To borrow from my good friend Michael J. Fox, your classes will eventually hit the point of no return, except they won’t end up going back in time, they’ll just know how to skate, and they won’t forget. But Christopher Lloyd might still be there, which will be cool.

How to Create an Awesome Experience for a Brand New Hockey Player: Part 1

(Also known as: I do real stuff sometimes.)

We all know that teaching young people to skate and play hockey is the best way to gain peer recognition, inner gratification due to a job well done (see: birthing natural talent), and as a stop gap between the ravages of old age and the fist-swinging glory of 'encouragement'.

Seriously, this is what I do for a living.

This morning’s private skating lesson with five-year-old Chase, when contrasted with the ultra hardcore men’s hockey league last night with the fights and the loud noises and the attempted surgical removal of a player’s eyes using a stick; is enough to make one laugh out loud (to keep from crying, of course). The smooth, quiet ice surface and the eager participant that greeted me today was a welcome cup of reality, and it reaffirmed once again my joy for teaching varying levels of individual skill development in hockey and skating in general.

And then later that day, a most coincidental of coincidences: A Programs Department contest! Either written or photographed, this contest, nay, this battle, was clearly intended for only the wiliest and most willing of competitors, or simply those of us that need an excuse to force our moms real people to read our hilarious and made-up informative and qualified take on the experience of learning to skate.

With that in mind, I’m proud to present an in-depth look at how to create an awesome experience for a brand new skater.

1. Challenge Your Student’s Space.

This can mean a few different things. First, we obviously want to encourage someone that’s brand new to the ice to explore their surroundings. Movement is the key to skating, for if you aren’t moving, you aren’t skating, and people can learn all about standing around by simply watching the Edmonton Oilers on a power play. As people get more comfortable with movement, they become proportionately more comfortable with skating and with the process of learning how to skate. Abide by this magical formula: movement + curiosity = learning = skating awesomeness (in Edmonton we use multiple equals’ signs. No big deal).

In this sense, moving around the ice covers standing up and skating forward, but it’s also beneficial to challenge your skater’s vertical perspective. So for Bullet #1’s second point, I say: who said you need to stand up all the time? As an example for your class, lay on your back on the ice with your blades against the boards, bend your knees and push off. Then try it with straight legs. It’s amazing to watch the bulb flick on in a five-year-old’s brain as they realize: “Oh, THAT’S what you meant by knee-bend. I thought you were just a crazy person.” Maybe so, kid. Maybe so. *cries self to sleep*

You can also challenge movement by pushing pucks on the ice with your hands and then tracking them down in a relay or obstacle course, or hiding things under pylons, or balancing bean-bags or ringette rings on top of a skater’s bucket. (Which looks funny. Just remember to laugh WITH the student, not at them. This will be hard.)

As a side-note, challenge your own movement at the same time, and I guarantee you’ll become a better skater while you teach. See, this job just keeps giving. Still with me? Good. Drink it in.

2. Challenge Your Student’s Comfort Level.

Ice is unique, (it’s slippery!) and a person with knives strapped to their feet for the first time isn’t going to feel comfortable, regardless of how easy we super-human experts think it is to stand still and not fall straight forward on our beaks. Falling on your face, elbows, chin or posterior isn’t fun for anyone (ask the Toronto Maple Leafs), even though it seems that younger skaters often have super-human pain thresholds located exclusively in their knees. Make sure they know it’s alright to fall. Stand on one foot, spin around, attempt different tasks that push an adult or child into the realm of solid, smart skating. If they’re falling down, that obviously means they’re pushing the envelope and getting out of their comfort zone. Like the time I took that Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class. Same thing, I swear.

Above all, be patient. If you’re dealing with an adult skater, they’re registered because they want to learn, but they probably want to learn at their own pace. If you’re teaching a little guy or gal, then it’s up to you to make the experience fun and memorable so they want to come back the following week. (See Bullet #3: Make it Fun and Memorable!)

Go win the draw, then get off the ice, loser.

I learned a lot more about hockey when I took it less seriously and I started to watch the Oilers a lot more closely, in particular Jarrett Stoll. I liked his tongues-out, tiny-shinpad approach to defensive hockey, and I began to find myself behaving like him on the ice: winning draws, taking big slapshots that missed the net and stickhandling the puck way out in front of my body like a dumbass. And also receiving the worst pain of my life as pucks ripped my ankle bones apart. Whatever, I thought I looked like Doug Weight, and that's really all I ever wanted.

I was one of those guys that got to take almost every single defensive zone faceoff for the squad, mostly because I had a lot of energy saved up as I would immediately leave the ice after winning the draw and one of my constantly-rotating linemates cleared the zone. At the time I felt like a total d-bag, but it seems that the Oilers would probably pay me a butt-load of cash to do the same thing these days.

Also, it it just me, or does Jarrett Stoll tap his stick on the ice, stretch his hands out and touch his feet with his gloves before he actually sets up for a faceoff? I think he did, because I started doing it, and I teach players that I coach to do the same thing. Plus it looks sweet, and the other twelve-year olds think you are having a seizure or something and often caught off guard.

WHITE GRAFS IF YOU SCORE 50

My point is that even though all I read about all day at work these days is how awful it is to win 8 out of 20 draws, but how awesome it is to win 12 out of 20. Seriously? Why? And aren't half of these draws considered 'draws' anyway? (Haha, get it?!) If Sam Gagner doesn't channel his inner Yannick Perrault and the puck bounces a few inches forward toward Alex Burrows on the wall and Sheldon Souray reaches his 9-foot stick and steals it, is that considered a win? Because it sure as hell shouldn't.

In short, if I was only a little bigger, a little faster, and had better hands, I'd be in the show winning faceoffs and immediately vacating the ice to play PSP with the back up tender. But now I just get to coach and write about it because apparently anyone can do that. But it seems that a lot of them are pretty bang on.